When I first read this in Dan Wile’s book, After the Honeymoon, it really resonated with me. Here it is in an abbreviated form. It says it all.
Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties. Paul is shy and hates that. But, if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail, when Paul doesn’t help , she feels abandoned. She is sensitive about that. To Paul, Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about. The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve, she would have the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties and she would get so angry at his drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If she had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but then when they got home the trouble would start when Lou wanted sex because he always wants sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something Alice only wants when she already feels close.